Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
