you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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