she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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