there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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