Cold hands, warm shart.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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