I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
