Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
