It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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