I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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