While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Houston, we have a blender
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
