He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
