She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Found your dick twin last night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
