Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
