you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
