I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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