My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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