Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
