Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
