I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
