I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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