I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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