I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
