I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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