Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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