just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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