there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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