I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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