I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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