Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
