Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
