Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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