the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize