it was like his penis was on wheels.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
