I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
