if i can run in heels then i can drive
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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