Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
