ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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