i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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