mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
