mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
