When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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