we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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