just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
