i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
