Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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