ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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