i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
