The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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