this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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