i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
