Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize