I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
