i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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