dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
