I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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