New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
