You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize