When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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