...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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