Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
