Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
