if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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