3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
