Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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