I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
