Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
